It happened one New Years Eve…

Beautiful and Happy on their wedding day !

2011 marked the 55th anniversary of my grandparents.  I am blessed to have had grandparents on both sides that truly epitomized the line from traditional wedding vows of  ”till death do us part”.

All these years, I never had heard or asked my grandparents the story of how they met

So on a recent trip with them, Sajda, and myself.  I asked them “So, how’d you meet?”

Pop had come to live with his cousin straight after highschool in look of work.  Up in Pennsylvania the only jobs were mining and other jobs equally grueling…and Pop’s dad didn’t want that for his son.  So Pop said right after graduation he moved to Baltimore with his cousin.

Poppy in his uniform on far left.

He wasn’t there that long and he was drafted into the war, WWII.  He served two years in Germany as a radio tech in a tank.

Afterwards he returned to Baltimore.

Turns out, the first time they met, almost never happened.  They were set up on a blind date by Grandma’s best friend, Ruby who was married to Poppy’s cousin, Ralph.

Poppy ended up being late.  He had been held up because his brother had been drinking and wanted to get in the car and go back to Pennsylvania.  Pop wasn’t having that and was trying to get him to not drive in his condition.  By the time he ended up at the party, it was around a quarter to midnight on New Years Eve.

From what they told me, they hit it off almost immediately…and went from the party to a friends house.  Grandma remembers this person had bottles in the snow outside and told “everyone to help themselves to a cold one”.  It was winter in the north, and plenty of snow to keep stuff cold outdoors.

Poppy liked Grandma from the start, even proposing to her that night.  But Grandma, a young woman with a baby, was a little more hesitant, but she said that she liked his personality from the beginning.  But Pop was inisitent, and eventually he convinced her to marry him, and ended up raising that baby, my Uncle Rick, as his own.

They married in July.  And by October they were in California.  They followed Grandma’s mom who had moved out there and because there was a lot of opportunities.  They ended up getting jobs immediately at Hughes.  After only 6 months they were back in Pennsylvania, but they almost starved to death and couldn’t make ends meet.  My great grandmother had to send them money to fly back to California.  They started working at Hughes again.  Grandma found out she was expecting my dad not long after that.  After he was born, she later returned to work, but he was only 6 months old and my grandma found out she was expecting again, this time my Uncle Randy.  After that she didn’t work for awhile.

Poppy at times worked multiple jobs to provide for the family.  But somehow he always made things work out.

And as they reminsice, I can tell that although they had some hard times, that inbetween there was happiness in seeing their three boys grow up, eventually get married, have kids…and then their grandkids have kids.    And through it all they were in it together.

Goofy Poppy, and Smiley Grandma...I love this pic!

Now Grandma and Poppy have  3 sons,11 grandsons & 2 grandaughters, 4 great grandsons & 5 great grandaughters  and still going strong.

I for one am glad that they were meant to be.  Forever your sunshine, Pumpkin!

Tips on dealing with depression and anxiety, a Muslim perspective

***In researching symptoms I was going thru, I found I had all the signs of depression and didn’t even know it.  I knew I had been overwhelmed and extremely anxious, but was in denial that I was depressed.  Still I knew something wasn’t right.  In my quest to help myself, I would like to share with you what others told me, or I discovered for myself.  It is my top tips on how to deal with a depression from a Muslim perspective.

TIPS:

1.  Allah is number one:)

-This seems like a given but REALLY rely on Allah for everything!

-Trust in Allah, even if you can’t see the outcome, know that whatever is now will pass and it has a purpose.

-Make long Sujuud and poor your heart out to Allah about all that’s bothering you.

-Make Dhikr often

2. Do Remember/DON”T Dwell

-Remember the good, the things you’ve accomplished, and your blessings…often.  And don’t dwell on the bad, your failures, and problems that aren’t being resolved.

3.  Don’t let your problems fester.

-Become an expert communicator

4.  Talk to friends

-Often they give advice, support, or words of wisdom that give you strength.

5.  Ask for Help!

-Don’t let shaitan convince you otherwise.  You can always return the favor to someone else later.

6.  Nasheeds

-Music is healing

7.  Go Outside

-The sun, air, etc are all energizing and relaxing.  Often you will find yourself renewed by connecting with nature.

8.  Post IT!

-Post inspiring thoughts, hadeeths, or Ayats around the house

9.  Study the Prophets (PBUT)

-Most of the Prophets went thru hardships, their determination and strength to push on is inspiring.

10.  Seek Medical Help

-Sometimes medical intervention…either in the form of counseling or medication or a combination of the two may be necessary.

Also a good book full of tips is “Don’t Be Sad”

“Qali” Kurdish cured sheep/beef

5-10 lbs of sheep meat is needed…you may use beef if wanted as both are made, but I find the sheep to make a more tender Qali.

3-5 lbs of white fat, the kind usually cleaned off and thrown, but this is a waste not want not kind of food. It is chopped up and put on to brown…first at high, then turned down to a low medium to slowly bring the oil out of the fat.

The meat is boiled on high covered till either cooked well or all the water is gone, for me this happened to be at the same time:)

After the fat browns, the oil is drawn out…when this first happens you need to strain all that oil out into another pot, but the fat back to brown in the first pot, and then put some ice cubes in the other pot to make the fat and water seperate…any water will cause the meat to spoil. Later you spill the water out and add the fat back to what you are cooking.

The finished product on the left…and the left over “Kesk”…that’s the browned fat…they are crunchy and some people love those to eat or they even put them in the Qali…but too fatty for me LOL

Sajda, my princess that I always knew I would have one day

I have loved being a mom to 4 boys till now….I grew up a tomboy myself amongst brothers and male cousins.

But in the back of my mind I always wondered how it would be to have a little girl.  Each time I had a pregnancy I would anxiously await the ultrasound to see what the sex was…and the boys never failed to vividly show that they were 100 percent boys  This pregnancy I went into it thinking that boy number 5 was coming, the baby’s nickname initially was even “cinco”.  And then to my utter amazement at the ultrasound the tech told me I was having a girl…I think I always knew I would have one, but I don’t know if I would have kept going and going just to get one, and I honestly didn’t let myself believe it till she came into this world February 24th, 2011.

That morning I was scheduled for a 7:30 induction because they wanted her to be born at Vanderbilt so they could take her to the Children’s hospital as soon as possible after birth due to her congenital heart defect.

We had left the house late and I was both nervous and frustrated and was very emotional with the boys and my husband.  Finally we made it to the hospital a little before 7:30 and I said goodbye to everyone and my husband then took them all to school.  Our youngest boy stayed with his aunt at home.

Even walking into the hospital I was feeling pains, but all that 9th month I had been feeling pains so I wasn’t really thinking about it too much.  Then after I got hooked up to machines, my nurse Athena, who was an awesome nurse at Vanderbilt Labor and Delivery, told me “you feel those, you are already contracting…being your 5th, we’ll probably only have to give you a little push with pitocin and you’ll have this baby in no time”  She asked me how my other labors went.  I told her about 6 hrs or so and I was done with my other inductions.

I had warned them about my sometimes hard veins and after one failed attempt on one arm, they finally got my IV in on the left arm.

I was 3 cm when they first checked me.  After an hour or so they checked me and I was 3-4 and more thinned out.  I was already progressing on my own and they decided to start my pitocin to get my contractions in a more regular pattern.

They also gave me my first dose of penicillin due to my being positive for Group B strep, a bacterial infection that mom can pass onto baby at birth and can cause complications to the baby.  They wanted me to get two doses of the antibiotics in before I delivered so they weren’t rushing breaking my water.

After slowly increasing the pitocin every so often, my contractions soon got to be more regular.  And although initially I was texting and updating on facebook…they were soon getting to be harder to get through.  The nurse had me checked again and I was 4-5.   Oh and did I mention that the doctor decided that while she was checking me to kindof detach the bag around the opening of the cervix to stimulate more dialation and stronger contractions…it was one of the most painful checking of my cervix’s that I have ever gone thru!

I was progressing good, but they wanted my contractions to start coming more regularly between every two minutes.

The doctor said for me to get my 2nd dose of pitocin at 12:30 and then she would come by an hour later to break my water.  She figured that since I went to complete rather quickly towards the end with my other labors that I should go fast after that.  I was anticipating maybe delivering by 2.  But she didn’t come till close to 2 to break my water and check me again.  At that time I was a solid 5 and the baby’s head had moved down a little.

I braced for the pain as she broke my bag of water, which ended up being stubborn by the way and didn’t want to break at first.  And I also knew that my contractions were about to get alot more intense!

And boy did they ever!  They started coming strong and hard…the ones that I had to chant to get through and rock on the rocking chair I requested.

It was getting close to the boys getting out of school at that time, but I knew I needed my husband so we told his sister to go pick them up.

As that hour went by the contractions got really intense and I was having a hard time dealing with them.  I usually do it natural the whole way and just know that if they are getting this way that I probably am getting near the end.  But this time I had gone into this nervous and was having 2nd thoughts.  I told my husband I was thinking of getting an epidural so i could get some rest, he told me to do it I wanted to.

We called the nurse and I asked her how long it would take to put in and how long it would take to take effect.  She said 10 mins to put in and 20 mins give or take to start working.  I had been so drained the days leading up to this birth that I decided to go ahead with it.  She told me that anesthesia was next door and would be in my room next.

In the time I waited the contractions were getting so hard that I was now starting to close my eyes, hold my husbands hand tightly, and chant the dhikr that always gets me thru my labors, just focusing on one contraction at a time to be able to deal with the pain.

The nurse came in and told me to get on the bed.  And I had to handle those contractions in the bed.  I hate handling contractions in a bed.  Movement of any kind, in a chair, walking, whatever, helps to get a person thru the pain…

The anesthesiologist came in and worked in between contractions to get me ready.  After  some really strong and intense contractions that were starting to hurt me even more inside with real force and were coming right on top of another, the epidural was put in.

I was then put on my left side and told to stay that way as it took effect.  These were probably the most painful of all my contractions.  And although they were suppose to get less and less painful as the epidural took, I was still feeling everything and my legs had only started to slightly feel tingly.

The nurse asked me if I was feeling pressure or not, and I really wasn’t but I was feeling the contractions with more force and it almost was like I knew the head was moving down.  Since I was in so much pain and she knew from history that I sometimes changed very quickly she decided to check me.  I was 8-9 cm in that contraction.  With the next contraction I was feeling the pain even more but my legs were beginning to feel heavy and numb and she checked me again and I was 10.

“Time to push, do you feel like pushing?” she said.  ”I can push?” I said…you don’t have to ask me twice, I knew that if I got to push that even if I felt the rest of the contractions still that I would be working with my body and I was ready to do whatever I had to get the baby out and stop my pain!

“I want to push” I said.  ”Wait!”, the nurse tells me.  ”We need to get the NICU team in here and everyone needs to setup”…I was like hurry, please hurry.

Finally they told me to start pushing.  By this time my legs felt really heavy and it was hard for me to pull them up and also to gauge how much I was pushing or not.  I tried to just visualize pushing in my head and bear down and hope that I was doing something.

I expected to only push a couple times, usually that’s how my last two babies have come out, flying!  But try as I might this baby was taking everything I had to push out.  They said I was pushing but that it wasn’t coming as much as they wanted.  So one of the nurses gives me a towel to pull on as I push.  I do this and start making more progress.

As I am pushing at the end I start coughing and they tell me to breathe, but the funny thing is that when I coughed it helped my pushing.  So they said “cough if that helps!”  And honestly I would get short on breath as I pushed and just coughed accidently but it seemed to help with the pushing.

Finally I started to feel a pressure that I knew she must be close to coming out and I pushed with all I had to get her out.  And so after 20 mins of pushing, they finally set baby Sajda on my chest and she was immediately crying loudly and sounding healthy.  My husband cut her cord and took pics and videos for us.

The NICU team checked her out.  Then because she was breathing good they wrapped her up and let me hold her before they took her away to the children’s hospital.

I knew she had some serious issues that they would need to address in her first few days of life, but in that moment all I could think about was that my princess was finally here!

Me and Sajda moments after her birth at around 3:30 pm on February 24th, 2011

Pulmonary Atresia with VSD

Sajda’s CHD (Congenital Heart Defect) is known as Pulmonary Atresia with VSD.

Sajda's CHD (Congenital Heart Defect)

Her cardiologist explained to me today that this pic above is almost exactly what her heart is like.

Her pulmonary artery is blocked and no valve was formed…and in the complete repair they will unblock it and may or may not put a valve in…and they will repair the VSD (the big hole between the right and left ventricles).

We will find out in the next day or so whether they will go ahead with the complete repair now or will do what is called a BT Shunt…which acts a temporary fix till they do the complete repair.

With the shunt she would  only be in the hospital like a week total if she is eating well…but with the full repair she would be here significantly longer (like a month).  But with the shunt she would have to come back in 3-6 months for the full repair and it would mean she has to have two hospital stays.

Neither sounds good to me cause all I want to do is hold my baby and take her home.

But I know that the doctors are going to do what’s best for her, I still don’t have to like it though.

 

Oh Bittersweet February

February is a bittersweet month in our family….three generations of my family…my father, my brother, and my daughter came into this world in this month.  Both my daughter with her CHD found in utero and my brother a preemie who born at 27 weeks and only 2lbs 7 oz but soldiered on,  were little miracles from the start.  And  then there was my father who passed way too soon, also left us in this month 7 years ago.

Daddy, I wish you could see my little sunshine today…and know I am thinking of you today on your birthday, one day after the birth of my own daughter.

 

 

Small Joys

If you have ever had a baby and not been able to hold it…or worse had to discharge from the hospital, and leave that precious 9-month companion behind in the NICU…well you can relate. Its a horrible feeling.

I had to experience this with my 2nd son when he was born at 35 weeks and had issues breathing. He stayed two weeks in the NICU before finally coming home. I think besides having to leave him there every day, the hardest part was not being able to hold him initially. He was incubated and wasn’t allowed to be held. The day or two before he finally came home was when I finally got to hold him, and it was the greatest joy ever.
With this baby, it will be immediately taken to the NICU…to be started on prostaglandin to keep one valve open that usually closes after birth…and to start getting a echocardiogram (scans of her heart) to see the extent of her CHD. Right now they are pretty positive that she still has Pulmonary Atresia(means the artery that pumps blood to the lungs is either small, non existent, or is made up of several smaller vessels) with VSD (a ventricle septal defect…aka hole in the wall of her ventricle chambers of the heart)
But one small joy I saw a glimmer of today was that unless she needs to be intubated (which my/her doctor anticipates she won’t be) then I should be able to go to the NICU and hold her. I hadn’t anticipated that.
Also there is a great chance I should be able to nurse in those first few days.
And one other thing…
Initially she will be undergoing a procedure called a BT Shunt. Its a closed-heart surgery where they do a temporary fix for her condition and then 3-6 months out they do the full repair open-heart surgery.

BT Shunt (MBTS)

I had thought that she would be in the hospital for awhile…but turns out that “In general, patients can expect to stay anywhere from 3-10 days…” Her doc said most likely a week, to a week and half. It will mostly depend on her feeding…if she’s eating good, she’ll go home fast

4 weeks and counting…

35 weeks

So with 4 weeks to go we enter the twice weekly monitoring of the baby…on a regular pregnancy this is rarely done…but any highrisk one, mine is highrisk for baby not me, you do. So its lots of doctor visits from now till delivery!
And I still go see my regular ob once a week.

Today’s apt was an ultrasound where they check how she’s doing…she scored high:) She was practicing breathing, had pee in her bladder, etc. And the tech said at one point “She has a full head of hair!” I asked “how can you tell?” She said “I can see it floating in the fluid there”

so now its Mrs. Chubby Cheeks with hair…I wonder what color it is? I bet dark if she is anything like her brothers.

She’s Here…but just still in my tummy

Miss Chubby Cheeks

I have a funny story to tell of how this girl almost came early.

I had been doing some cleaning at home and was tired but thought nothing of it.

I then went to get the kids and was dreading it cause snow was suppose to hit Nashville at the same time as school got out. I got my two that got out at 3 and already the streets were bustling even though it had only started to snow slightly.
We then went straight to my other son’s school who wasn’t scheduled to get out till 5 that day but I was going early because I had a feeling the traffic and weather were taking a turn for the nasty. As we got closer to the exit for his school we saw traffic getting more and more and a few cars with snow on them…they were coming into Nashville from the north. And as we got off the interstate and by my son’s school we began to see rooftops covered in a thin layer of snow, but the streets were still just wet. I called his school and the receptionist told me,”Come on and pick him up Honey”.
When we got there a line of cars had already started to form and soon a teacher came out and began asking who people were picking up. We waited like 20 mins for my son to finally come out, ends up they had decided to dismiss early anyways, in that time it went from a few flakes to a curtain fall of snow. I just wanted to get home asap cause we were probably going to get stuck in traffic.
As we started home, traffic was already crawling! As we inched along my stomach began having cramps. They were coming inconsistently and were like bad period cramps. I called my bestfriend and told her what was happening and that I was stuck in traffic. “You are kidding me,” she said. Nope. Here I was stuck in traffic having what felt very much like the onset of labor.
Coming up was a split, I would have to choose the interstate that got off right by my house or the other one that went south but had an exit that was also close and usually that interstate was faster during busy times of the day. I chose the later and luckily the roadway was less busy and we made good time. All this time I was still having cramps coming and going but not that close or intense yet.
As we got off the interstate it was again busy. I figured cause this road that lead almost straight to my house was a main road. We again were crawling in traffic. I just wanted to get home. Maybe if I rested and drank water I would feel better.
Finally 2 hours after going to pick up my kids from school we arrived home. I told the boys to go upstairs and chill and let me rest for awhile. I laid down and was still having cramps but after awhile they seemed to ease up. I was hungry so I got some food and laid back down to watch a movie.
After awhile the cramps returned though and I was uncomfortable again. I tried to ignore it, but at one point I began to laugh at something and that turned into coughing which turned into a gush of fluid as I sat up. I thought of great I just pee’d on myself! But as I looked at my pants it didn’t smell like pee (yes I was smelled it LOL) and seemed like too much fluid. I went to the bathroom and more fluid came out. It was clear like water, not even a hint of yellow like pee normally does.
I told Meran that because of what just happened and the cramps I was having I wanted to get checked out in case my water had broke. He was hesitant cause the roads were icy but agreed.
We went to the Vanderbilt Labor and Delivery Triage and got me checked out. They observed the baby, my contractions, and tested the fluid. All three of the tests for the fluid came back negative. And although a few contractions came, they were small and not consistent. I was also dialated 1 cm but the baby was high still.

So at the end of the day they said I was considered “preterm labor” and decided to discharge me with orders to take it easy.

So far now, my little princess is still safe in my tummy, and almost made an early entrance but then decided she liked it better in mommy’s tummy:)

Tears of Joy and Fear…the 19 week ultrasound

October 2010...19 week Ultrasound

With my previous pregnancies, I barely remember the ultrasound, they were so uneventful and so long ago.  Only with my 2nd son, who had low amniotic fluid and had to have regular ultrasounds and eventually an early induction at 35 weeks, was there even a little hint of something to worry about.

I went into this ultrasound, for my 5th baby, without a worry in the world.  I came out of it with joy and fear all in one.

I remember the night before telling my husband that I was extremely nervous for some reason, and couldn’t place it.  I wrote it off to the anticipation of would this finally be my girl, after 4 boys, mostly expecting to hear, “Its another boy!”

But that morning as I went to my apt, that nervous feeling lingered.

In the ultrasound, at first was pretty routine.  And eventually the tech lady got around to asking me if I wanted to know the sex or not.  I nodded my head yes, expecting nothing other than a boy.  And to my shock heard her say “Its a girl!”

I said “Are you sure?”   And as she nodded yes with a chuckle, I began to cry.  I couldn’t help it.

I wouldn’t trade my 4 boys for the world.  I am a firm believer in that God knows better than me what I need, but in that moment I felt truly blessed to finally be having a girl.  And looking back I am glad she came after all my boys

Afterwards the technician moved on to other areas of the baby to scan.  After some time I noticed she was taking a long time on the heart and my ultrasound was taking a lot longer than normal.  She then told me that my baby may have some issues but she wanted the Ultrasound doc to come check to be sure.  The doctor came in to look and do several scans.  This is when the feeling of joy turned into a knotting feeling in the pit of my stomach and my nervousness returned.  She proceeded to tell me that most likely my baby had some sort of heart issue.  She wanted me to immediately come upstairs for another ultrasound with a more precise machine.  I did and when I got up there she brought with her some of her associates.  Multiple docs consulting and mumbling as they scan you is never a good sign!

After several more scans they tell me that the baby now definitely has issues but they can’t be sure which.  That doctor tells me to follow her to her office and she will tell me more information.  She said that initially looks like my baby has a Congenital heart defect or CHD, known as Truncus.  She explained more about it and told me that I would need to see a pediatric cardiologist soon for an echo cardiogram, a special heart ultrasound used to treat and diagnose CHD’s.  She makes a call and refers me to Vanderbilt for an apointment and then I go downstairs to my regular prenatal appointment.

As I wait to be called I call my best friend, but words barely come as i tell her news of my ultrasound, I am choked with tears of fear at the unknown, but comforted by my friend’s voice even though she is miles away in another state.

When I am finally taken back to a room, my doc comes in and turns around.   She tells me that I will now have to deliver at Vanderbilt.  I have a choice to stay with her for the rest of my pregnancy or to transfer to someone else at Vanderbilt.   I chose to stay with her.  Too many other things are not in my control at this point.  At least I can stay with my doctor who I am comfortable with.

As I leave the office and go to my car, I make a call to my grandmother, who has been waiting all morning in anticipation.

I tell her its a girl and she is so happy to hear that finally I got my girl.  But as we talk I can’t hide my emotions, I rarely can when talking to anyone who knows me that well, I wear my emotions on my sleeve.

And at one point my voice begins to shake, and my grandma, with an equally trembling voice asks, “What’s the matter, Honey?”

And then I let it all out and thru tears tell her what the doctors told me.

Later I tell my husband our news, a girl!  And how our girl, already special after 4 brothers, was going to be even more special due to her issues.  He doesn’t worry and is strong when I need someone else to be strong for me.

Afterwards,I had to wait two of the longest weeks of my life for my pediatric cardiologist appointment to confirm that she did indeed have a congenital heart defect.